I took a very close look at these lyrics whilst researching tunes for the funeral. This one floyd track seems very relevent to how I know J was feeling, even to him going back to his parents to live for a while, anyway, I thought I should post it. I suppose it's a bit relevent to how I feel about getting older too. Looking through this and a lot of other Floyd lyrics I maybe think J shouldn't have been listening to them in his mental state... yes it's maybe relevent what he felt, but is it good to dwell on it?
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but youre older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought Id something more to say
Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
Its good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.
Monday, 22 September 2008
Meeting the parents.
I bit the bullet and went to meet J's parents this weekend. Was going to go on Friday but my friend was too busy so I sat up having a late Breakfast and made arrangements to go the the next day. I got in touched with another friend. I'm very concious of people who are a bit detached from the group through having moved to different areas, etc, so think it's important to get together with them and give them chance to talk about things. We discussed shifting the funiture around in the flat to give it a fresh start and also make it so nobody knew which was J's recliner.
Andy pointed out a drawer full of photos to me which he'd come across. I spent many hours going through these looking through J's life. Lots of underwater shots of marine wildlife, photos from Lao, Goa, Australia, New Zealand, Thailand. Pictures of J skydiving, Zorb balling, Bunjee jumping. Then some from his university years with the friends he was supposed to be witnessing in Ireland. This all made me a bit angry in a way. In recent talks (and from bits of the letter i've seen) J had said that he had always being depressed and didn't connect with people. The photos showed diferently, a fascinating man who had travelled all over the place, keeping volumes of (still to be read) journals about the good times he was having. A very elligible batchelor, no debt, his own house and no previously failed marriages. I tried to tell him that he had a lot going for him and that he was an intersting bloke with lots of stories to tell. I really regret not getting him to show me these photos and tell me the stories behind them.
On Saturday we set off to get a reef made, picked up some sympathy cards and went for a drink whilst thinking of what to put in them. This is a problem I have have... I can never think of anything funny to put in Birthday cards, yet findind something serious to put in a sympathy card comes diffiecult to me to... maybe there's a niche in the market for humerous sympathy cards.
We arrived at J's parents at about 4.30PM. his half brother and his wife were also there and it was good to see J's dog again. I brought the collection of photos with me . We were immediately supplied with alcohol and had a long chat about various things, not involving J. J's dad used to be an ex (test) fighter pilot so had lots of intersting stories and I was even privilaged to be shown his hobby corner which is filled with home made stirling engines, models of his lotus car, model stationary engine and a jet fighter joystick all rigged up to motors and buzzers, a signed picture of Buzz Aldrin was the center piece. As the evening drew in we went inside for snacks and more drinks. The conversation turned to J, and about the time he spent there when he was in a deep hole of depression. I learnt that his parents had told him to bring us round at some point which I would have liked; J had disappeared away for a long time to his parents which worried me and I would have liked to have been more in touch with him in these dark times. I also learnt that he spent a lot of time there playing scrabble and monopoly... I wish i'd known, i love manopoly and can never find anyone else to play it with! His mum explained that she had gone as far as writing a letter to Stephen Fry, (J was a fan) to ask him to write to J with regards to hiw own bipolar disorder. Apparently a very deep and endearing letter had been sent back.
We spent a long time discussing what was wrong with Jason. His parents half thought the problem laid with his hearing and the fact he only had one ear. We got to discussing this. J didn't have that many problems, he was a bit of a dreamer and connected a lot of it to his ear. He used to complain about not being able to hear people talking properly amd getting left behind... This is normal for some people, I'm the same. I hear conversations but not what people are saying... usually in meetings, then have to ask people to recap when I hear something vaguley important. He says he never got into much music because he couldn't hear the lyrics, again I can very rarely understand lyrics. I think some people just don't process vocal information very well, but written or physical information is fine. J had hearing problems so seemed to conect the two together. He also said that he couldn't understand people and work them out... For a man that was very skilled at poker I don't see how this can be. These thoughts make me feel guilty for disagreeing with what I know is in his letter (I've beenshown certain bits of it) but I honestly believe he had very few actual problems (apart from depression). He spent a lot of time comparing himself to other people (and admiring others) and not seeing his own merits. Comparing ones self to others is impossible becasue we are all individuals. The fact that J was different was one of his good points. He was a unique character, irreplaceable. I kind of wish he was still alive so that I could give him a slap and tell him how wrong he's being, that it was the depression talking and not him. This is the thing that screws me up, there were no real problems that lead to this, just the depression, the problems that J made in his head.
I decided that now was not the time to read the suicide letter, after the funeral would be better.
I mentioned to his parents that it would be good at the wake if a few people could say something about how they knew J and what he meant. Not quite sure what i've got myself in to, but it feels right. I've already taken a look through his collection of books as i feel this is the best way to see who someone is. His parents told me to take any that I wanted and also insisted that I have his mountain bike. I feel a bit dodgy about this, but think it's better that I have it and appreciate it rather than it being charity shopped. We sat up late, leaving about 1 AM.
Slept round at the flat again on Saturday night and got up late to discuss the night before. Andy mentioned that J's parents had given him the task of picking mucic.... Two 10 minute slots to take care of for at the crematorium and CD's for the reception. Another friend has already requested that a tune of the LOTR sound track be played. J was a big floyd fan, his dad said no darkside of the moon. This is a proble.... We spent agaes listening through floyd trying to find tracks that aren't about suicide or going mad... ... ... There aren't many. I think The great Gig in the sky would be good as it's instrumental with no lyrics. It's awkard, a lot of floyd tunes are appropriate to J and I can see why he connected but I don't think they'd go down wee at a funeral. Portishead was another favourite band, again, the lyrics aren't really appropriate. Coldcut- Autumn leaves is another one we're considering. It's going to take a bit of working out to find stuff that's appropriate...
It feels weird organising stuff like this for a funeral and discussing somebodies life... I thought it'd upset me, but it doesn't really. I thought i knew the guy quite well but am still finding stuff out and it's time for us all to look at his life and remember the good-times, although there's always the overcasting thought that he ended it all for reasons that were only real to him. One thing that I found out that really threw me was the amount of time he'd known his recent group of friends. I was the last to "join" the group, I thought that everybody had known each other for years and years, this is not the case. J has known Andy for quite a long time but only got back in touch and started spending a lot of time with him about 2.5 years ago. Apparently C only came on the scene shortly after then and then I met J though work with a couple of others maybe 2 years ago... There's so much I wish I'd talked about and got round to doing when he was still about which upsets me, time ran out too soon.
Andy pointed out a drawer full of photos to me which he'd come across. I spent many hours going through these looking through J's life. Lots of underwater shots of marine wildlife, photos from Lao, Goa, Australia, New Zealand, Thailand. Pictures of J skydiving, Zorb balling, Bunjee jumping. Then some from his university years with the friends he was supposed to be witnessing in Ireland. This all made me a bit angry in a way. In recent talks (and from bits of the letter i've seen) J had said that he had always being depressed and didn't connect with people. The photos showed diferently, a fascinating man who had travelled all over the place, keeping volumes of (still to be read) journals about the good times he was having. A very elligible batchelor, no debt, his own house and no previously failed marriages. I tried to tell him that he had a lot going for him and that he was an intersting bloke with lots of stories to tell. I really regret not getting him to show me these photos and tell me the stories behind them.
On Saturday we set off to get a reef made, picked up some sympathy cards and went for a drink whilst thinking of what to put in them. This is a problem I have have... I can never think of anything funny to put in Birthday cards, yet findind something serious to put in a sympathy card comes diffiecult to me to... maybe there's a niche in the market for humerous sympathy cards.
We arrived at J's parents at about 4.30PM. his half brother and his wife were also there and it was good to see J's dog again. I brought the collection of photos with me . We were immediately supplied with alcohol and had a long chat about various things, not involving J. J's dad used to be an ex (test) fighter pilot so had lots of intersting stories and I was even privilaged to be shown his hobby corner which is filled with home made stirling engines, models of his lotus car, model stationary engine and a jet fighter joystick all rigged up to motors and buzzers, a signed picture of Buzz Aldrin was the center piece. As the evening drew in we went inside for snacks and more drinks. The conversation turned to J, and about the time he spent there when he was in a deep hole of depression. I learnt that his parents had told him to bring us round at some point which I would have liked; J had disappeared away for a long time to his parents which worried me and I would have liked to have been more in touch with him in these dark times. I also learnt that he spent a lot of time there playing scrabble and monopoly... I wish i'd known, i love manopoly and can never find anyone else to play it with! His mum explained that she had gone as far as writing a letter to Stephen Fry, (J was a fan) to ask him to write to J with regards to hiw own bipolar disorder. Apparently a very deep and endearing letter had been sent back.
We spent a long time discussing what was wrong with Jason. His parents half thought the problem laid with his hearing and the fact he only had one ear. We got to discussing this. J didn't have that many problems, he was a bit of a dreamer and connected a lot of it to his ear. He used to complain about not being able to hear people talking properly amd getting left behind... This is normal for some people, I'm the same. I hear conversations but not what people are saying... usually in meetings, then have to ask people to recap when I hear something vaguley important. He says he never got into much music because he couldn't hear the lyrics, again I can very rarely understand lyrics. I think some people just don't process vocal information very well, but written or physical information is fine. J had hearing problems so seemed to conect the two together. He also said that he couldn't understand people and work them out... For a man that was very skilled at poker I don't see how this can be. These thoughts make me feel guilty for disagreeing with what I know is in his letter (I've beenshown certain bits of it) but I honestly believe he had very few actual problems (apart from depression). He spent a lot of time comparing himself to other people (and admiring others) and not seeing his own merits. Comparing ones self to others is impossible becasue we are all individuals. The fact that J was different was one of his good points. He was a unique character, irreplaceable. I kind of wish he was still alive so that I could give him a slap and tell him how wrong he's being, that it was the depression talking and not him. This is the thing that screws me up, there were no real problems that lead to this, just the depression, the problems that J made in his head.
I decided that now was not the time to read the suicide letter, after the funeral would be better.
I mentioned to his parents that it would be good at the wake if a few people could say something about how they knew J and what he meant. Not quite sure what i've got myself in to, but it feels right. I've already taken a look through his collection of books as i feel this is the best way to see who someone is. His parents told me to take any that I wanted and also insisted that I have his mountain bike. I feel a bit dodgy about this, but think it's better that I have it and appreciate it rather than it being charity shopped. We sat up late, leaving about 1 AM.
Slept round at the flat again on Saturday night and got up late to discuss the night before. Andy mentioned that J's parents had given him the task of picking mucic.... Two 10 minute slots to take care of for at the crematorium and CD's for the reception. Another friend has already requested that a tune of the LOTR sound track be played. J was a big floyd fan, his dad said no darkside of the moon. This is a proble.... We spent agaes listening through floyd trying to find tracks that aren't about suicide or going mad... ... ... There aren't many. I think The great Gig in the sky would be good as it's instrumental with no lyrics. It's awkard, a lot of floyd tunes are appropriate to J and I can see why he connected but I don't think they'd go down wee at a funeral. Portishead was another favourite band, again, the lyrics aren't really appropriate. Coldcut- Autumn leaves is another one we're considering. It's going to take a bit of working out to find stuff that's appropriate...
It feels weird organising stuff like this for a funeral and discussing somebodies life... I thought it'd upset me, but it doesn't really. I thought i knew the guy quite well but am still finding stuff out and it's time for us all to look at his life and remember the good-times, although there's always the overcasting thought that he ended it all for reasons that were only real to him. One thing that I found out that really threw me was the amount of time he'd known his recent group of friends. I was the last to "join" the group, I thought that everybody had known each other for years and years, this is not the case. J has known Andy for quite a long time but only got back in touch and started spending a lot of time with him about 2.5 years ago. Apparently C only came on the scene shortly after then and then I met J though work with a couple of others maybe 2 years ago... There's so much I wish I'd talked about and got round to doing when he was still about which upsets me, time ran out too soon.
Friday, 19 September 2008
Time
This is the second point in my life I've thought about this. The other was when another good friend of mine died at a young age, I had been meaning to go to see him for a while and never got round to it.
With J, there were lots of things we discussed doing... Fencing, Badmington, The Gymn, Alton Towers, etc. He never found out what he enjoyed doing and spent a lot of time going with the flow with things and feeling he wasn't fitting in. He was a bit of a loner so we were trying to find things he might enjoy doing... Golf, book club, etc. I was happy to do whatever he wanted as long as he was doing something that kept him motivated.
I should have got off my arse and done some of these things before it was too late, not neccessarily because I think it would have saved J, but moreso because I wasted time.
Time runs out, The only two things that matter in this world can't be replaced... Time and life...
J was upset because he was getting on a bit and was still single and wasn't putting his degree to use. I'm starting to feel my age and I don't want to end up the same way which splits me in half... I'm having a good time. I don't know anyone else like me who has a full time (proper) job and still goes to tons of festivals, raves and parties... Do I enjoy the time that I have and leave the future to chance or do I start to behave myself and make plans for th future? We have to do things before it is too late. I'm supposed to be goinng through uni and getting a degree. If I don't get it done soon then I never will, instead I seem to make a lot of excuses for carrying on as I do.
With J, there were lots of things we discussed doing... Fencing, Badmington, The Gymn, Alton Towers, etc. He never found out what he enjoyed doing and spent a lot of time going with the flow with things and feeling he wasn't fitting in. He was a bit of a loner so we were trying to find things he might enjoy doing... Golf, book club, etc. I was happy to do whatever he wanted as long as he was doing something that kept him motivated.
I should have got off my arse and done some of these things before it was too late, not neccessarily because I think it would have saved J, but moreso because I wasted time.
Time runs out, The only two things that matter in this world can't be replaced... Time and life...
J was upset because he was getting on a bit and was still single and wasn't putting his degree to use. I'm starting to feel my age and I don't want to end up the same way which splits me in half... I'm having a good time. I don't know anyone else like me who has a full time (proper) job and still goes to tons of festivals, raves and parties... Do I enjoy the time that I have and leave the future to chance or do I start to behave myself and make plans for th future? We have to do things before it is too late. I'm supposed to be goinng through uni and getting a degree. If I don't get it done soon then I never will, instead I seem to make a lot of excuses for carrying on as I do.
What now.
So that's where I am now.
Very shellshocked. Back at work. Selfishly thinking of how my life has changed, IE no late night/early morning Halo or poker and I suppose feelign quite angry that he could do this and leave us all feeling this way.
There's things I have to do... See his parents (for the first time) and say something appropriate. Read through his suicide note (This worried me. I know a lot of his problems were in his head, but seeing them written down and wanting to disagree with him telling him he's wrong and wanting to help him overcome them, knowing that he's already put a stop to anything I can say or do about how he felt). There's still people I need to track down and let them know the situation. I need to sort out a reef. I need to sort out something to say at his wake..... I don't like talking in public, this is going to be hell. I was a best man recently. Trying to write an amusing speech without offending people is difficult. Trying to write an amusing speech without upsetting people at a wake is going to be difficult. The wake is a celebration of his life... I find it difficult to understand this as his life was ended early.
Very shellshocked. Back at work. Selfishly thinking of how my life has changed, IE no late night/early morning Halo or poker and I suppose feelign quite angry that he could do this and leave us all feeling this way.
There's things I have to do... See his parents (for the first time) and say something appropriate. Read through his suicide note (This worried me. I know a lot of his problems were in his head, but seeing them written down and wanting to disagree with him telling him he's wrong and wanting to help him overcome them, knowing that he's already put a stop to anything I can say or do about how he felt). There's still people I need to track down and let them know the situation. I need to sort out a reef. I need to sort out something to say at his wake..... I don't like talking in public, this is going to be hell. I was a best man recently. Trying to write an amusing speech without offending people is difficult. Trying to write an amusing speech without upsetting people at a wake is going to be difficult. The wake is a celebration of his life... I find it difficult to understand this as his life was ended early.
Back to work
So, back to work... Nice of my boss to come and sit over me to make sure I put the time I had off as holiday, I guess there's no SOP on friends committing suicide.
J's parents have been in touch with work and everybody has been informed. I'm not sure how I feel about this. It's nice everybody around (his old department) me knows what's gone on but it kind of effects my own personal grief. I went to empty his desk out and found it had already been done. This upset me, I was his close friend so saw it as my duty to sort stuff like that out, a bit of closure I suppose. There's a few people on site who hadn't heard and were also friends so I've had the job of informing them... Somehow I feel guilty having to tell people. I've suddenly realised there's some right arseholes on site; Asking me if I knew which bloke had killed himself, even after I've explained he wasn't just some bloke and I didn't want to talk about it they'v estill insisted on having more info.
J's parents keep emailing work with details and some extracts from his notes. I spent days wondering if he left me a note, wondering why he hadn't even so much as left me a "Happy Birthday" :/ Had he fallen out with me for interfereing, had I just not meant that much to him (he'd known all his other mates for years and years). Eventually last night I got a text saying that his parents want to meet me and that there is something about me.
J's parents have been in touch with work and everybody has been informed. I'm not sure how I feel about this. It's nice everybody around (his old department) me knows what's gone on but it kind of effects my own personal grief. I went to empty his desk out and found it had already been done. This upset me, I was his close friend so saw it as my duty to sort stuff like that out, a bit of closure I suppose. There's a few people on site who hadn't heard and were also friends so I've had the job of informing them... Somehow I feel guilty having to tell people. I've suddenly realised there's some right arseholes on site; Asking me if I knew which bloke had killed himself, even after I've explained he wasn't just some bloke and I didn't want to talk about it they'v estill insisted on having more info.
J's parents keep emailing work with details and some extracts from his notes. I spent days wondering if he left me a note, wondering why he hadn't even so much as left me a "Happy Birthday" :/ Had he fallen out with me for interfereing, had I just not meant that much to him (he'd known all his other mates for years and years). Eventually last night I got a text saying that his parents want to meet me and that there is something about me.
My friend... J
I'm not going to put name's on here as it's personal stuff. lets just call him J.
I met J nearly two years ago at work. It didn't take long for us to become good friends and I've spent an everage of two weekends a month round at his house getting my ass kicked at Halo or Poker. He had a few problems which came to light recently. Mainly centered round/leading to his depression. A few months a go he had hidden himself away for a while, not seeing anybody apart from his parents which left us all a bit worried ut at least we knew he was being looked after. While we were at Glasto we got a phonecall to say that he had been found on the roof and then in the bath with kitchen knives. It looked like attention seeking to us (why start trying to kill yourself when people are coming round?) and we ignored it as much as we could. That seems harsh but we are all good friends and could eiher laugh or ignore most things away and carry on.
A few weeks on and J has moved back in to his flat, started work again, playing poker again, sitting up till 6AM playing Halo and more recently going to the pub too. He also had caught up with some friends he hadn't seen for ages who had no idea about his depression. I spent quite a lot of time listening him and making suggestions. i suffer from depression myself and found the best way of coping is that when your feeling down is to recognise that is the depression making you feel like that and to ignore it. He told me how left out he felt because of his hearing difficulties (death in one ear) and that information didn't go in because of this. I'm not sure if that was because of his hearing though, i get the same thing sometimes, I can hear people talking but not what they are saying. I'm just not processing the information, I think it's normal for some people. He also spoke about being middle aged and still single, this is a real shame. He was pushing on 40 had a house, no baggage, kids, etc. was an interesting guy and therefore a very elligible batchellor. I spent a lot of time listening. He told me now and again that he ges so frustrated and wanted to end it... i didn't know what to say to this so just encouraged him to stay on at work and stick through it.
He had gone away to Ireland, setting off on the Friday to see friends for his anual uni-mates meetup do. He got as far as the airport and something flipped. He was going to see mates who had put their degrees to use and were settled/settling down with family and he had done none of this. So he went for a drive and ended. This is the tragic thing, he was getting better with the depression, showing a real change and smiling again, then this came along.
So... The first couple of days I spent wondering if I pressured him too much, should he have being sectioned. Should I have taken his medication off him. Everything I could have done to stop it going through my head. I knew very little, J worked with me so didn't know if HR were informed.
I went to work on the Monday, again in a state and found out they'd already being informed. Next I thought it would be best to let his friends at work know before the roumers spread. I managed to speak to his trainer and go for a cig and then caught the end of the meeting informing everybody on the way back in. I took the next couple of days off work too and popped up to see J's flat mate to see how things were. As I mentioned this guy shows no emotion and I arrived to them laughing and joking wwhich actually made a good difference. We've always laughed and joked at each others mis-fortune... Usually it's stuff like loosing a poker hand in a dramatic way or having problems walking due to various reasons. On the other had these guys are quick to compliment on things well done or offer understanding if something goes really wrong. The thing that really flipped it for me is that we all used to have some fairly epic battles involving tea towels, the dogs toys or play fighting. One of the lads is ex military and quite stocky, last week J had absolutely sucker punched him leaving a bruise and a dead arm (not seriously hurt) but it was the funniest thing I'd seen in ages. Us lot waiting in the kitchen to ambush J and then out of nowhere J annhialates this lad, anyway, it was pointed out that J won this one and there was nothing that could be done about it. After a cup of tea I went up stairs to see his last movements.... Very distrubing, clothes neatly folded where he'd been deciding what to take with him and a pile of medication packets in the bin.
I went home for a long think. It dawned on me that although this is a tragedy, it would have been a lot worse if he'd just disappeared and never gotten out of the hole where he wasn't seeing anyone. We did the right thing, we got him out having good times again and back on his feet. It wasn't this that finished him off, it was his depression and the thoughts of Ireland... That's how I feel now, my thoughts may change.
Thinking back, this has been on the cards for a while. Apparently some notes were written 3 weeks ago and destroyed. There's little cluess though. At Solfest J told us that it would be his last festival... I found this strange as he had such a good time. J and I were wanting to start fencing lessons as the umberellas were gettig too much of a bashing, a couple of weeks ago he changed his mind on it. The same with teh Boosh tickets, he was complaining becaus ehe ddn't get one so I went out of my way to get him one but he completely lost interest in it last week
I met J nearly two years ago at work. It didn't take long for us to become good friends and I've spent an everage of two weekends a month round at his house getting my ass kicked at Halo or Poker. He had a few problems which came to light recently. Mainly centered round/leading to his depression. A few months a go he had hidden himself away for a while, not seeing anybody apart from his parents which left us all a bit worried ut at least we knew he was being looked after. While we were at Glasto we got a phonecall to say that he had been found on the roof and then in the bath with kitchen knives. It looked like attention seeking to us (why start trying to kill yourself when people are coming round?) and we ignored it as much as we could. That seems harsh but we are all good friends and could eiher laugh or ignore most things away and carry on.
A few weeks on and J has moved back in to his flat, started work again, playing poker again, sitting up till 6AM playing Halo and more recently going to the pub too. He also had caught up with some friends he hadn't seen for ages who had no idea about his depression. I spent quite a lot of time listening him and making suggestions. i suffer from depression myself and found the best way of coping is that when your feeling down is to recognise that is the depression making you feel like that and to ignore it. He told me how left out he felt because of his hearing difficulties (death in one ear) and that information didn't go in because of this. I'm not sure if that was because of his hearing though, i get the same thing sometimes, I can hear people talking but not what they are saying. I'm just not processing the information, I think it's normal for some people. He also spoke about being middle aged and still single, this is a real shame. He was pushing on 40 had a house, no baggage, kids, etc. was an interesting guy and therefore a very elligible batchellor. I spent a lot of time listening. He told me now and again that he ges so frustrated and wanted to end it... i didn't know what to say to this so just encouraged him to stay on at work and stick through it.
He had gone away to Ireland, setting off on the Friday to see friends for his anual uni-mates meetup do. He got as far as the airport and something flipped. He was going to see mates who had put their degrees to use and were settled/settling down with family and he had done none of this. So he went for a drive and ended. This is the tragic thing, he was getting better with the depression, showing a real change and smiling again, then this came along.
So... The first couple of days I spent wondering if I pressured him too much, should he have being sectioned. Should I have taken his medication off him. Everything I could have done to stop it going through my head. I knew very little, J worked with me so didn't know if HR were informed.
I went to work on the Monday, again in a state and found out they'd already being informed. Next I thought it would be best to let his friends at work know before the roumers spread. I managed to speak to his trainer and go for a cig and then caught the end of the meeting informing everybody on the way back in. I took the next couple of days off work too and popped up to see J's flat mate to see how things were. As I mentioned this guy shows no emotion and I arrived to them laughing and joking wwhich actually made a good difference. We've always laughed and joked at each others mis-fortune... Usually it's stuff like loosing a poker hand in a dramatic way or having problems walking due to various reasons. On the other had these guys are quick to compliment on things well done or offer understanding if something goes really wrong. The thing that really flipped it for me is that we all used to have some fairly epic battles involving tea towels, the dogs toys or play fighting. One of the lads is ex military and quite stocky, last week J had absolutely sucker punched him leaving a bruise and a dead arm (not seriously hurt) but it was the funniest thing I'd seen in ages. Us lot waiting in the kitchen to ambush J and then out of nowhere J annhialates this lad, anyway, it was pointed out that J won this one and there was nothing that could be done about it. After a cup of tea I went up stairs to see his last movements.... Very distrubing, clothes neatly folded where he'd been deciding what to take with him and a pile of medication packets in the bin.
I went home for a long think. It dawned on me that although this is a tragedy, it would have been a lot worse if he'd just disappeared and never gotten out of the hole where he wasn't seeing anyone. We did the right thing, we got him out having good times again and back on his feet. It wasn't this that finished him off, it was his depression and the thoughts of Ireland... That's how I feel now, my thoughts may change.
Thinking back, this has been on the cards for a while. Apparently some notes were written 3 weeks ago and destroyed. There's little cluess though. At Solfest J told us that it would be his last festival... I found this strange as he had such a good time. J and I were wanting to start fencing lessons as the umberellas were gettig too much of a bashing, a couple of weeks ago he changed his mind on it. The same with teh Boosh tickets, he was complaining becaus ehe ddn't get one so I went out of my way to get him one but he completely lost interest in it last week
My Blog
I've been meaning to start a blog for ages. I spend my life going to festivals, gigs and meeting lots of random people and it's often easy to forget experiences if they are not written down.
Life i smade up of experiences, bith good and bad. You need to have good and bad experiences to be alive.
I've recently had a really bad experience in the suicide of a very close friend and want to record how i'm feeling and the events here as a way of wrting it down and keeping a record of how I feel. Bit fo a grim note to start things with, but a necessary part of me coming to terms with it all.
Life i smade up of experiences, bith good and bad. You need to have good and bad experiences to be alive.
I've recently had a really bad experience in the suicide of a very close friend and want to record how i'm feeling and the events here as a way of wrting it down and keeping a record of how I feel. Bit fo a grim note to start things with, but a necessary part of me coming to terms with it all.
Sunday, 14 September 2008
Birthday madness and an abrupt end.
I've just had one fo the best and worst Birthday weekends to date.
I took the Friday off work to be lazy and get in to Sheffield in good time. Unfortunately my lift ended up arriving very late but still arrived in Sheffield in good time to meet Ellie who I've not seen for nearly a year now. I'm a bit apprehensive of this as it's been so long and we've both been through a lot since we last saw each other properly. It's good to see though that she is looking well and got over the problems she had. After getting a bit lost I arrive at my friends house to start the drinking. Again, I've not seen much of him recently and was really worried about his state of mind as he was going off on one last time I was round.
We all set off down Zogg and met more people there. The music was right and for a change the usual September crowd of chav's had been replaced by some really nice people (the club clientelle had been going downhill for a while). The seating in the smoking area was very welcome. I spent a ong time catching up with people I've not seen for a while, drinking and dancing... Then had a little acident. My alphabet got scrambled so somewhow I got M and K mixed up ;) Had to sit down for a while but was soon back up bouncing on the dance floor.
We left the club messily, not knowing quite where anybody was and having difficulties getting everybody to exist in the same place at the same time. Got back to my mates house for partying and late night shinanigans but for some reason spent a lot of time fiddling with my synth (had made promises to get it finished for this weekend). I learnt how to play backgammon properly and kicked some ass before watching some films and "partying". The day went on. Ellie wasn't feeling too good so I walked her to the coach station and arrived back. As the evening got nearer the Southerners in the room crashed out good and proper. Everybody else had left so this left me and my friend Kit to go to Corp on our own.
On arriving at Corp Kit informed the doorman that he had some T-rexamine and was going to use it... they saw what he meant when they found us stomping round the dancfloor like t-rex's. managed to get hold of the DJ and persuade him to play all my tracks .. Neurotik Fisch - Thy're coming to take me away, Wayne G - Twisted and finishing off with the Cilit bang hardcore mix :D
Spent a while socialising in the smokers area and met some intersting people. Was beeing pressured to speak to this nice red-headed lass which didn't bother me much, she was quite good looking but I wasn't particularly bothered. Her mate was a nutter from Rovram and if chatting to the sexy red-head meant chatting to the ape like creature she was hanging around with then I'd rather pass. She wanted to go dance in the metal room anywhere but I was there for the Electro-industrial that was going on upstairs. Anyway, had one of the best nights in Corp yet. Clubbing always seems better when there's just two of you, you never end up on your own that way (The pains of being a smoker).
Arrived back at the flat on Sunday to a houseful of sleepy people. Kit went more or less straight to bed so I sat up watching TV whilst having breaKfast and balloons. Got startled early by the Southerners waking up and suddenly realising they needed to be in Essex that day. Finally got a few hours sleep before waking up to eat and get stuff srted for leaving. Was just sitting down for a drink at about 5 when I got a phonecall. My mate usually only rings me if he needs to "party" but says it wasn't about it. It took him a while to say what the problem was... " Edd, there's news, bad news. xxxx has taken his own life". He sounded very robotic, my mate treats everything in life like a battle and doesn't generally show emotion. I mumbled away for a bit and then lost it for an hour so went in the kitchen to sort myself out. I suddenly realised that I was in Sheffield, miles from home and had to get back on public transport on my own and the most i've been upset since my ex lost her child (another bad experience with lots of unanswered questions). My friends couldn't say a thing to me while I was sorting my stuff out which i'm kind of thankfull for as it meant that I didn't have to explain the full details of what had happened. So i decided to ignore it all and just get myself home. I lost it on the coach a few times which was Ok as I was hidden at the back. Arrived home for about 9PM and went straight to bed.
I took the Friday off work to be lazy and get in to Sheffield in good time. Unfortunately my lift ended up arriving very late but still arrived in Sheffield in good time to meet Ellie who I've not seen for nearly a year now. I'm a bit apprehensive of this as it's been so long and we've both been through a lot since we last saw each other properly. It's good to see though that she is looking well and got over the problems she had. After getting a bit lost I arrive at my friends house to start the drinking. Again, I've not seen much of him recently and was really worried about his state of mind as he was going off on one last time I was round.
We all set off down Zogg and met more people there. The music was right and for a change the usual September crowd of chav's had been replaced by some really nice people (the club clientelle had been going downhill for a while). The seating in the smoking area was very welcome. I spent a ong time catching up with people I've not seen for a while, drinking and dancing... Then had a little acident. My alphabet got scrambled so somewhow I got M and K mixed up ;) Had to sit down for a while but was soon back up bouncing on the dance floor.
We left the club messily, not knowing quite where anybody was and having difficulties getting everybody to exist in the same place at the same time. Got back to my mates house for partying and late night shinanigans but for some reason spent a lot of time fiddling with my synth (had made promises to get it finished for this weekend). I learnt how to play backgammon properly and kicked some ass before watching some films and "partying". The day went on. Ellie wasn't feeling too good so I walked her to the coach station and arrived back. As the evening got nearer the Southerners in the room crashed out good and proper. Everybody else had left so this left me and my friend Kit to go to Corp on our own.
On arriving at Corp Kit informed the doorman that he had some T-rexamine and was going to use it... they saw what he meant when they found us stomping round the dancfloor like t-rex's. managed to get hold of the DJ and persuade him to play all my tracks .. Neurotik Fisch - Thy're coming to take me away, Wayne G - Twisted and finishing off with the Cilit bang hardcore mix :D
Spent a while socialising in the smokers area and met some intersting people. Was beeing pressured to speak to this nice red-headed lass which didn't bother me much, she was quite good looking but I wasn't particularly bothered. Her mate was a nutter from Rovram and if chatting to the sexy red-head meant chatting to the ape like creature she was hanging around with then I'd rather pass. She wanted to go dance in the metal room anywhere but I was there for the Electro-industrial that was going on upstairs. Anyway, had one of the best nights in Corp yet. Clubbing always seems better when there's just two of you, you never end up on your own that way (The pains of being a smoker).
Arrived back at the flat on Sunday to a houseful of sleepy people. Kit went more or less straight to bed so I sat up watching TV whilst having breaKfast and balloons. Got startled early by the Southerners waking up and suddenly realising they needed to be in Essex that day. Finally got a few hours sleep before waking up to eat and get stuff srted for leaving. Was just sitting down for a drink at about 5 when I got a phonecall. My mate usually only rings me if he needs to "party" but says it wasn't about it. It took him a while to say what the problem was... " Edd, there's news, bad news. xxxx has taken his own life". He sounded very robotic, my mate treats everything in life like a battle and doesn't generally show emotion. I mumbled away for a bit and then lost it for an hour so went in the kitchen to sort myself out. I suddenly realised that I was in Sheffield, miles from home and had to get back on public transport on my own and the most i've been upset since my ex lost her child (another bad experience with lots of unanswered questions). My friends couldn't say a thing to me while I was sorting my stuff out which i'm kind of thankfull for as it meant that I didn't have to explain the full details of what had happened. So i decided to ignore it all and just get myself home. I lost it on the coach a few times which was Ok as I was hidden at the back. Arrived home for about 9PM and went straight to bed.
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